Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
They are going to name an STD after you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
