This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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