Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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