alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
