Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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