I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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