how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
