Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
