What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
