I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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