That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
