The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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