The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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