actually, I'm a sock model
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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