My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
