it wasn't lemon gatorade
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
