Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
