theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
