Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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