Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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