Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
