Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
