oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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