You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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