i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
