Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
