I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
