I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
