Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
