508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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