So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
