Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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