Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
