dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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