my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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