you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
