I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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