ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
