I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
