I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
