I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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