I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
