I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
