Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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