who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
