I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
