Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
