If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
