did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This is classic penis vs brain.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
