How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
