Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
