The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
