She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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