Plan B is the new Plan A
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize