He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
