you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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