I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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