We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
